A Query Us Medley

After all these months, I've come to think of you as close friends... my Querytracker family. If you've read my signature box, you'll know that one of my favorite pastimes is to compose parodies to annoy close friends and family. Well, my QT peeps... that means you. Don't say you weren't warned.

Blogging agents: what aspiring author doesn't love these guys? Most writers I know read many agent blogs. Each one is a little different, but they all share one thing in common:

Show me a blogging agent, and I'll show you where they posted in frustration over writers who didn't follow the submission guidelines while querying. Of course, you fabulous Querytracker peeps would never do such a thing, so you'll be able to enjoy the following presentation without remorse.

So... picture it...

You settle into your Orchestra seats at the Hirschfeld Theatre. The house lights dim to black, and then you spot some glowing lights undulating in the darkness before you. The spotlights blaze to life as blogging agents in bright flowing garments swarm the stage. The orchestra strikes up the opening to the "Aquarius-Let the Sun Shine In" medley, and the agents begin to sing:

Joanna Volpe: When your book is in the seventh draft

Colleen Lindsay: And you are sure it shines like stars

Jessica Faust & Kim Lionetti: Then, please, we’d like a query

Kristin Nelson & Sara Megibow: Lit agents are what we are!

All Agents: We’re looking forward to the day that you query us

Say that you’ll query us

You’ll query us

You’ll query us

Scott Eagan: Single title or a series

Rachelle Gardner: Women’s fiction or a mystery

Nathan Bransford: Novels ready for submission

Jenny Rappaport & Jodi Meadows: Shouldn’t need extreme revisions

Kate Schafer Testerman: If your pitch blurb’s tantalizing

Holly Root: And your plot twists are surprising

All Agents: Then query us

Please query us

Janet Reid & Pink Octopus: When you’re sure your book is ready

Jon & Kae Tienstra: And one of us is right for you.

The Knight Agency: Then read our posted guidelines

All Agents: We love the folks that do

Yes, please remember there’s a way you should query us

A way you should query us

To query us

To query us

To query us

To query us

[instrumental and tempo shift to “Let the Sunshine in”]

Check the Sub Guides, check the Sub Guides first, the Sub Guides first

Check the Sub Guides, check the Sub Guides first, the Sub Guides first

Check the Sub Guides, check the Sub Guides first, the Sub Guides first

[continue to end with concurrent scat]

Now, brief disclaimer for any agents who may be reading... I fit your blog or profile pictures in wherever I could without much regard for shape, size, skin tone or even gender, and my photoshop skillz are amateur at best. So please accept my apologies for the crudity of this model.

For your unwitting participation, I'm nominating each of you agents and assistants for a Tony Award... or a Phony Award... or something.