QueryTracker Blog

Helping Authors Find Literary Agents

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

A Query Us Medley

After all these months, I've come to think of you as close friends... my Querytracker family. If you've read my signature box, you'll know that one of my favorite pastimes is to compose parodies to annoy close friends and family. Well, my QT peeps... that means you. Don't say you weren't warned.

Blogging agents: what aspiring author doesn't love these guys? Most writers I know read many agent blogs. Each one is a little different, but they all share one thing in common:

Show me a blogging agent, and I'll show you where they posted in frustration over writers who didn't follow the submission guidelines while querying. Of course, you fabulous Querytracker peeps would never do such a thing, so you'll be able to enjoy the following presentation without remorse.

So... picture it...

You settle into your Orchestra seats at the Hirschfeld Theatre. The house lights dim to black, and then you spot some glowing lights undulating in the darkness before you. The spotlights blaze to life as blogging agents in bright flowing garments swarm the stage. The orchestra strikes up the opening to the "Aquarius-Let the Sun Shine In" medley, and the agents begin to sing:

Joanna Volpe: When your book is in the seventh draft

Colleen Lindsay: And you are sure it shines like stars

Jessica Faust & Kim Lionetti: Then, please, we’d like a query

Kristin Nelson & Sara Megibow: Lit agents are what we are!

All Agents: We’re looking forward to the day that you query us

Say that you’ll query us

You’ll query us

You’ll query us

Scott Eagan:
Single title or a series

Rachelle Gardner: Women’s fiction or a mystery

Nathan Bransford: Novels ready for submission

Jenny Rappaport & Jodi Meadows: Shouldn’t need extreme revisions

Kate Schafer Testerman: If your pitch blurb’s tantalizing

Holly Root: And your plot twists are surprising

All Agents: Then query us

Please query us

Janet Reid & Pink Octopus:
When you’re sure your book is ready

Jon & Kae Tienstra: And one of us is right for you.

The Knight Agency: Then read our posted guidelines

All Agents: We love the folks that do

Yes, please remember there’s a way you should query us

A way you should query us

To query us

To query us

To query us

To query us

[instrumental and tempo shift to “Let the Sunshine in”]

Check the Sub Guides, check the Sub Guides first, the Sub Guides first

Check the Sub Guides, check the Sub Guides first, the Sub Guides first

Check the Sub Guides, check the Sub Guides first, the Sub Guides first

[continue to end with concurrent scat]

Now, brief disclaimer for any agents who may be reading... I fit your blog or profile pictures in wherever I could without much regard for shape, size, skin tone or even gender, and my photoshop skillz are amateur at best. So please accept my apologies for the crudity of this model.

For your unwitting participation, I'm nominating each of you agents and assistants for a Tony Award... or a Phony Award... or something.

H. L. Dyer, M.D. writes women's fiction and works as the Clinical and Academic Director for the Hospitalist Program at a pediatric teaching hospital near Chicago. In addition to all things literary, she enjoys experimental cooking and composing impromptu parodies to annoy close friends and family. Click to visit her personal blog, Trying to Do the Write Thing.


elysabeth said...

I love it - lol. You seemed to have fun with this. I'm sure the agents and assistants will enjoy this as well. E :)

Elysabeth Eldering
Author of the Junior Geography Detective Squad (JGDS), 50-state, mystery, trivia series

STATE OF WILDERNESS, Book 1 of 50 now available.
STATE OF QUARRIES, book 2 of 50 now available
STATE OF RESERVATIONS, book 3 of 50 coming 2009


http://groups.yahoo.com/group/jgdsseries/ (series newsletter forum)

Dutch Henry said...

That is really a hoot!!

I'll be humming, Let The Sun Shine In, all day.

Thank you for the chuckle!

- Dutch

Katie Anderson said...


Unknown said...

I'm sure Nathan will LOVE his outfit!:)

Linda Godfrey said...

Total hoot! I will never listen to the original song again without mentally substituting Please query us for Aquarius! Thanks for the morning smile.

Amanda Bonilla said...

LOL! What a hillarious post! It made my day!

Anonymous said...

lol You crack me up.

I totally adore that picture! The Query Shark in the center? Priceless.

Stina said...

That was just too funny! Yep, that's about the extent of my Photoshop skills, too.

Windy said...


Stephanie said...

That is fantastic!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for that!!

Vicki Tremper said...

That was amazing! I, too, will never hear the song the same way again. Very clever - thanks!


Suzette Saxton said...

There's nothing like starting the day laughing my head off. Thanks for the boost!

Patrick said...

Loved it Heather. Well done.

froggfeathers said...

Outstanding!! What a great start to the day. The Query Shark in the middle was a perfect touch. Thanks!

Rebecca Knight said...

I love that the pink octopus got to sing, too! :D

Lucas Darr said...

I laughed out loud at the picture at the end, I sure did.

Anonymous said...

Love the pic! And I wanna go shopping where THEY did! Some hot fashion statements going on! LOL

lisa and laura said...

That's freaking hilarious!

Unknown said...

No. Way! Too funny. No comment could do it enough justice.

Melanie Hooyenga said...

Oh. My. God. This is fricking awesome. Why do I have the feeling you've been singing the chorus for awhile? "Query us" fits so perfectly!!

I LOVE the picture at the end!

Casey Something said...

Oh, the brilliance! It's so shiny. I LOVE this.

Elana Johnson said...

Heather, you are my hero. Truly. This is made of hilariousness and wit and everything in between. :)

A.L. Sonnichsen said...

That is so funny. The picture cracked me up!!

Terri Molina said...

Har! That's great!

I'm a new reader to your blog, don't recall how I stumbled onto it, but glad I did.


Brooklyn Ann said...

That was awesome! It was fun to see how many I recognized in the pic. I need to learn how to photoshop LOL.

Carolyn Kaufman | @CMKaufman said...


Janet Reid said...

This just cracked me up! Thank you!

(The Pink Octopus says Thank You x8!)

Sandra Cormier said...

You obviously put a lot of work into your masterpiece! Kudos!

I like how you gave Janet a shark head. Ever the elusive one...

Debra Lynn Shelton said...

Bravo! Encore! Love, love, love this post! This is indeed the dawning of a new and prosperous age in the publishing biz. Hey, a girl can dream, can't she?

Blee Bonn said...

This is totally awesome!!

Jen said...

Oh my goodness!That was hilarious! (and trust me when I say I needed a good laugh!)

I popped over from a link posted in a comment on pubrants.blogspot.com. Very glad I did!

Clever parody!


Katie Salidas said...

Oh god that is too funny! Love it.

Clementine said...

LOL!!!! This made my day!

Alicia said...

That picture is hilarious! Well, the entire post is riot. I will have to steal that picture and post it on my blog if you don't mind. I'm sure it took you hours and hours to put together. It is highly appreciated.

Rhonda Helms said...

HAHAHAHA the song was awesome, and the picture TOTALLY made it come alive. :D

suzie townsend said...

This is AWESOME!

Suzette Saxton said...

still laughing...