QueryTracker Blog

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Thursday, April 30, 2009

The Dreaded Pitch – What to Include in That One Line

As you may or may not know, I recently judged the first QueryTracker blog contest ever —I chose the top four one-sentence pitches out of 585 entries! And out of those entries, 25% of them weren’t even pitches at all. Now that might have made my job easier, but let’s make it so that the next agent to judge that contest has to pick the winners out of 100%, shall we?

The pitch line. In the movie industry these are known as log lines. Your pitch can also be your hook, but your hook doesn’t necessarily need to be your pitch. Confused yet? Well, I’m going to try and clear it up for you.

The pitch needs to convey three things: the plot, the genre and the tone of the story. And it needs to convey these things in one concise sentence. It doesn’t need dialogue, it doesn’t need a cast list, it doesn’t necessarily need the title and it definitely doesn’t need the word count—and before you snicker at this advice, you should know that these are common mistakes. And they’re not the only ones.

Think about the winning entry: When you look into someone's eyes, you see their soul, but when sixteen-year-old Emerson Taylor kisses their lips, she sees their pasts.

This entry gives me enough of the plot to get me interested, I know that it’s a YA with a girl protagonist, and it definitely conveys the mysterious, paranormal tone. AND, of course, it’s concise!

The End.

Just kidding.

I know it’s not as easy as that. How do you know what techniques are wrong? What kind of pitches actually work? What are the other common mistakes? How do you know if you’re making them if I don’t tell you what they are?!?!

Okay, okay…I’ll try. These are the five most frequent incorrect pitch types that I’ve seen:

1.The Cheerleader: JOHN CRETON, YOU’RE DEAD is an exciting, action-packed thriller with a romantic sub-plot that will leave the ladies drooling.

Sure this tells us the genre, and it’s concise, but what the heck is the story about? And is the tone supposed to be “campy adventure”? Probably not. All this person did was talk up his/her story—rah, rah, sis boom bah!

2. The Opener: The hot sun beat down on the streets of Barterville, baking the dead body—previously known as John Creton—in the town square, sure as heckfire making the swirling vultures drool.

Okay…is this a western? A mystery? Comedy? Picture Book? Aside from the last guess—-I hope—-I really can’t tell because it reads more like an opening sentence than anything else. And an opening sentence can lead to anything.

3. The Two (three or even four!) Parter: When Carol Barterville met John Creton, she knew she was in for a passionate night…she just didn’t know the night was going to change her life forever; John Creton, however, had been drooling over Carol for a long time…as werewolves often do; and a baby born to the two of them, just may take the world by storm.

For those of you who don’t know…a semi-colon is just shy of being a period; this means that anything after the semi-colon is supposed to be a full, complete sentence; it further means that anyone who uses them is technically writing more than one sentence; in conclusion…it is no longer considered a one-sentence pitch.

4. The Riddler: Why is the harsh world so unfair to snorting, ugly, drooling John Creton, and how can he turn it around to make it more fair?

How does this tell me about the story? Am I supposed to answer this question? Is my answer supposed to be the pitch? Who is pitching to whom now? Are you as confused as me?


Before you go all John McEnroe on me, notice the name of this incorrect pitch type is not The Question, it’s The Riddler. That’s because using a question isn’t always a bad thing when trying to write a pitch (see below). But asking a vague question that kind of sums up most people’s lives is like the time I paid $30 to get my palm read…the information could have been about anyone, just like this story could be about anything, and any John Creton for that matter…well, any hairy John Creton who happened to have his teeth recently pulled and a cold.

5. The “You Talkin’ to Me?”: “Mama, you just can’t leave ol’ John Creton crying and drooling on the side of the road,” Carol said.

This is really similar to The Opener, but it’s even more awkward because it has that ‘Carol said.’ tagged on the end. I feel like I just opened a book somewhere in the middle, closed my eyes and pointed to a sentence, and this is what I got. Using dialog may actually work as a one sentence pitch…I’ve just never seen it work. “Dare you to prove me wrong!” I yell at my computer screen until my voice is hoarse and my ears ring.

So you now know what not to do, and I’m almost positive there are more Pitch No-No’s that can be added to that list, let’s move forward.

What does work? Try these techniques:

1. This Meets That: As the undead take over the world, the Cretons and the Bartervilles just can’t seem to drop their rivalries and fight together, until new-zombie John Creton starts drooling over more than just Carol Barterville’s brains in this ROMEO & JULIET meets DAWN OF THE DEAD paranormal romance.

Giving your agent or editor the perfect line to describe your book is tough, but when you say two well known titles, characters, or authors, we get it! And so will everyone we tell about it.

2. The Question: If you needed to fix your mom’s car before she came home from vacation, would you take the school dork to the 11th grade dance for $1000, even if it’s snorting, ugly, drooling John Creton?

Tone--check. Genre--check. Plot--check.

3. The Basic Pitch: Detective John Drool-Creton is sick of the LA streets and ready for early retirement, until the serial killer who murdered his wife five years ago resurfaces, and he finds out that Carol may still be alive.

This is a simple summary of a story that is most likely between 70,000 and 90,000 words. Yes folks, it is possible to sum up a whole story in one sentence. There is no easy way to tell you how to do this, but just practice whittling down your story, little by little from full manuscript to outline to synopsis to summary to query to pitch. All I can say in this case is practice makes perfect.

So I guess that’s it on one-sentence pitches, at least for now! Please keep in mind that I’m in no way claiming to be an expert on pitches, but as a person in the publishing industry, I have a pretty good idea as to what works. I hope I was helpful to at least a few of you. The rest of you may get nothing from this but nightmares of John Creton drooling. So, yeah…good luck with that.

Joanna Stampfel-Volpe of Nancy Coffey Literary is currently looking for a wide range of fiction from young adult, fantasy, science fiction, romance, thrillers, women’s fiction, middle grade, historical and commercial fiction as well as non-fiction in a few areas. Before submitting, please check out her profile on QueryTracker to make sure she represents your genre.


Michelle McLean said...

Incredible post, Joanna, thanks so much for taking the time to write this! I think I better go back and take a look at my pitch! :)

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Thanks, Joanna, for the informative post. Great examples. Now it makes perfect sense. :)

Yamile said...

I'm learning so much fro your blog! Thanks for writing this.

Joyce Wolfley said...

So very helpful. I've always had trouble with the pitch. This breakdown will definitely help. Thanks!

rsgarcia said...

I think I know how to fix my pitch now! And where I went wrong! Thanks so much!

Joyce said...

Excellent post, Joanna!

Lisa and Laura said...

Good stuff Joanna! Thanks for taking the time.

Mandy said...

That was a great post Joanna! These seemingly huge hills are easy to climb when the route is laid out in front of you. I'll definitely be revisiting my pitch!

Jackee said...

Thanks for the great advice and examples, Joanna. They were perfect! (But if I have nightmares about drooling werewolves, I might be calling.)

Rebecca Knight said...

Ahahahahah, this cracked me up, AND managed to help me a lot! :D Thanks so much for your time and your awesome post, Joanna!

I was one of the cheater-pants people who used a semi-colon, so back to the drawing board. However, I have a lot better idea now of how to sneak genre clues in, etc. Great advice!

ElanaJ said...

I *heart* this post! Thanks for taking the time to do everything you've done for our blog, Joanna! You are beyond awesome!

quixotic said...

Great post!

PurpleClover said...

Thanks so much for the info! I can't wait for the next one since I missed this pitch contest.

DebraLSchubert said...

Joanna, You're the bomb. Even though my pitch wasn't one of your top four, I'm quite happy with it and it seems to be "doing the job." I had great encouragement with it from a certain wonderful agent who blogs. She told me it rocked and that it would get me the attention of many-a-keen agent. She was right. Thanks for putting this out in a clear, understandable format. You're a darn good teacher. Thank you!

Paul West said...

Thanks so much Joanna. As I took a second look at my query, i think it wasn't far off the mark, but with your advice, I think I fixed what was wrong with it. Much appreciated!!!

Suzette Saxton said...

Awesome, awesome, awesome!
Thanks, Joanna!

christinefonseca said...

Thanks Joanna - what a fantastic post. Time to work on my pitch!!!

Joanna said...

I'm glad I was helpful! QueryTracker blog rocks!

Eden said...

I thought the contest was "one line hook" not "one line pitch." Am I thinking of the wrong contest? B/c I definitely sent a hook, not a pitch.

Ironquill said...

Points well taken, however in Incorrect Point Three, I think Joanna meant ellipsis, not semi-colon. She used ellipses as her examples. But yes, semi-colons do indicate independent clauses, or standalone sentences. Ellipses indicate incomplete thoughts; things one should never have...

Anne Estelle said...

Joanna you are beautiful! loved your post.

Kim Hruba said...

Loglines was the homework for our last writer's group meeting. I spent nearly three days tinkering w/ loglines and the mini-synopsis. Because you basically can't screw up, this is an area where your neurosis can happily feast.

Bailish said...

Years of frustration suddenly came to an end for aspiring writer Bailish Habilis after reading Joanna Stampfel-Volpe's blog post, but would it be enough to finish the novel on time?

Michelle said...

Thanks for the great information! I just wanted to let you know that I referenced the information I in my blog today:


Thanks again!

Stephanie said...

Super helpful information. You challenge writers and take the mystery out of the process, thank you, Joanna!

PaulaKayMac said...

Oh boy, lots of drooling going on here.

This post came at the perfect time. I'll keep on whittling.


J_Jammer said...

I thank you for sharing what a winner wrote. I am in a writing group and this past week I was asked what's the point of my story. One sentence thing would have worked. The government plays a part in my story, but they are only in it the last half and not that much. The real villain isn't mentioned until the main character finds out someone he's related to has been a dirty, dirty man.

I'm going to work really hard on writing one sentence because it'll help me focus on the important aspect of my story.

Thanks. :D