Using Dialogue Tags and Punctuation Properly

Dialogue can be tough, but for a lot of writers, tagging and punctuating it correctly is even harder. Here are some of the most common errors I see, and how to correct them.

Dialogue Tags

You should use a dialogue tag anytime it’s not completely clear who is speaking. 

A dialogue tag lets the reader know who’s speaking. He said and she said are the most common dialogue tags, though if it’s not completely clear who’s speaking when you use he said or she said, it’s time to use your characters’ names. Let’s pretend for the example below that we’ve just started a new scene:

 “Sorry I’m late,” June said.
 “Where were you?” David said.
  “I just ran by the grocery store on the way home.”

In this example, we tag both June’s dialogue and David’s dialogue with their names. That way everyone knows which characters are involved in the scene. In the third sentence, we skipped the dialogue tag completely, because it’s unnecessary. We know that June and David are the only people involved in this conversation, so once June starts speaking again, we don’t have to tag her dialogue.

However, you may not be able to go more than a few lines without some kind of indication of who’s speaking. If you do, the reader will start to get confused.

For example, if we pick up where we stopped with June and David’s conversation:

        “I just ran by the grocery store on the way home.”
        “I wish you’d called to let me know you were going to be late. I was starting to worry about you.”
         “I had my phone on.”

By that third line, “I had my phone on,” we  may want to add a sentence tag back in (“I had my phone on,” she said), both to keep the reader from getting lost and to break the dialogue up a bit.

If someone new has several lines to say, and it’s probably not going to be entirely clear who’s speaking until you reach the ___ said  tag, then you should insert the dialogue tag after the first sentence of his or her speech, like this:

“I’m sorry I’m late,” she said.  “I lost track of the time.”

Said

As I mentioned above, said is the most common dialogue tag, because it disappears for the reader. In other words, as readers, we’re so used to seeing it that we don’t really notice it while we’re reading. This keeps it from feeling redundant, even if it’s used frequently.

You should use other tags—like shouted, screamed, bellowed, sobbed, sang, blurted, whispered, wailed—sparingly. These stand out in a big way, and can be very distracting for the reader, particularly when your writing is peppered with them.  You may feel like you need to use such strong verbs regularly to show your characters’ emotions, but you’re usually better off adding a brief sentence that shows the character’s body language or actions instead.

Rather than saying,

“I’m sorry I’m late,” she said regretfully.

or even

“I’m sorry I’m late,” she murmured.

in many cases you may be better off showing the character doing an action. This helps bring the scene to life for the reader.

“I’m sorry I’m late,” she said. She shuffled her feet, avoiding his eyes.

Sometimes you don’t even need the “she said” part:

“I’m sorry I’m late.” She shuffled her feet, avoiding his eyes.

Note, however, that in the example above there should be a period at the end of the line of dialogue, not a comma, the way there is when the dialogue is followed with _____ said. A lot of writers try to follow dialogue with a comma and then an action, but you can’t speak an action. For example:

Wrong: “Not even one,” she offered him a halfhearted shrug.
Right: “Not even one.” She offered him a halfhearted shrug.

Wrong: She offered him a halfhearted shrug, “Guess I got lucky.”
Right: She offered him a halfhearted shrug. “Guess I got lucky.”

You can also include information on what’s happening before or during the dialogue. As I noted earlier, this breaks up the dialogue and can make it feel more natural, since most people don’t speak super-fast without taking pauses. For example:

The man gripped her elbow, steadying her.  “Let me help you,” he said.  “You’re covered in blood.  Is it yours?”

Finally, you can put the dialogue tag in front of the dialogue, though this is a less conventional approach, so it should be used with care. For example:

The two women eyed each other. Then Abbey said, “Are you trying to trick me?"

Finally, if someone is, for example, asking a question, you should always use a proper question mark at the end of the line of dialogue, and then add your ____ said as if you had used a comma (ie, with a lowercase he said or she said rather than a capitalized He said or She said).

For example:

Wrong: “You have to send anyone else to the hospital?” She said.
Right: “You have to send anyone else to the hospital?” she said.

And to pull together several principles we’ve discussed:

        “Hey,” he said.
        “You have to send anyone else to the hospital?” she said.
        He nodded, checking off several adjectives in the mental status area of the intake form.“Three others.”
        “Delusions of influence?”
         “Well, I don’t know that the girl who thought she could disappear would count as a delusion of influence, but the others…yeah, they kind of fit that category.”  He tapped the tip of his pen on the table.  “How about you? Did you have to send anyone to the hospital?”
         “Not even one.”  She offered him a halfhearted shrug. “Guess I got lucky.”

Carolyn Kaufman, PsyD's book, THE WRITER'S GUIDE TO PSYCHOLOGY: How to Write Accurately About Psychological Disorders, Clinical Treatment, and Human Behavior helps writers avoid common misconceptions and inaccuracies and "get the psych right" in their stories. You can learn more about The Writer's Guide to Psychology, check out Dr. K's blog on Psychology Today, or follow her on Facebook or Google+! 

Conflict & Characterization: Lessons from an Old Anime

(I promise that what lies below ties in to writing!)

I’m a big fan of this old-school (1972) anime called Gatchaman (and of its American translations…well, some more than others).  Author and friend Jason Hofius wrote a definitive guidebook on one of the American translations, which was called Battle of the Planets (1978), and recently he sent me an email to tell me he’s created a website on the same topic.

So I went tooling around the website, and it struck me that writers could learn a few things from his approach to the information.

Story Conflict

In the Battle of the Planets series, as in most stories, there are bad guys and there are good guys.  The bad guys are from the planet Spectra. Because Spectra is dying, the bad guys run around consuming the resources from the Peaceful Planets and generally trying to destroy the Peaceful Planets using monster mecha machines. The good guys belong to the Intergalactic Federation of Peaceful Planets, which is a very green and scientific sort of group.  The Federation’s most important answer to attacks from Spectra is the 5-person G-Force ninja team. (Please rest assured that this came long before Disney’s elite guinea pig team. The members of this G-Force are human.) 

Here’s what struck me, though. For each and every one of the series’ 85 episodes, Hofius indicates what Spectra is trying to accomplish and what the G-Force team is trying to accomplish.  You  might think this would get ridiculously redundant (for example, Spectra’s Goal: To steal a precious mineral; G-Force’s Goal: To stop the Mecha of the Week and recover the stolen mineral) but it really doesn’t because each side has numerous sub-agendas and internal conflicts (read: subplots).

Your Writing

You may know who your good guys and bad guys are overall, and what each side’s mission is in your story or novel as a whole, but do you know what the key conflict is in each scene?   If your story is moving forward properly, each scene’s conflict should be a little different as the characters react and respond to each other.  Each scene’s conflict should also advance the story as a whole.

As I edit a novel, I often find that I have several redundant scenes, usually because I am trying to make a point of some kind.  But a story is more exciting (and fun) if it doesn’t get mired in redundancies.

For example, in the novel I’m currently working on, I found three scenes meant to emphasize how bad things were for the good guys now that the bad guys had successfully invaded—the good guys had reached the point of surrendering not just physically, but also psychologically.  

My goal was to prove that things were BAD, and I did such a good job with it that I found myself depressed and a little hopeless, even though I knew the good guys would eventually prevail. There’s nothing pretty about beating a dead horse, folks, and if you insist on doing so, your readers may beat a hasty retreat. 

Though I’m not much of a chess player, the craftiness of the game has always intrigued me, and so I like to think of a story like an intense chess game between sides. One side moves; the other side has to counter that move and not only block the opponent’s goals, but also further its own.

So take another look at that story you think you’ve finished.  Is it as tight as it can be?  Do the conflicts between characters evolve and change with each and every scene?  If not, can you combine scenes or otherwise hone things down to keep your writing razor edged?

Character Guides

Back for a moment to Hofius’s website.  In addition to the great episode guides, he provides fantastic character guides.  Again, what strikes me about them is that they’re different from every other character guide I’ve ever seen for the series (and I’ve seen a bunch and even written a number of them).

Rather than focusing on the obvious—G-Force team member Mark, for example, has blue eyes and likes airplanes—Hofius tells us about the characters, referencing at least one episode for each tidbit.  That “at least one episode” is important—the show’s creators were fairly consistent in developing the characters’ abilities.

Your Writing

You may have character sheets, but have you managed to work details that define your characters into the story?  

I recently did some editing work for an aspiring novelist who’s still mastering the art of working the details into the story.  She knew a lot of important things about her main characters, for example, and she did a fantastic job of describing them, but she needed to work on slipping the information in without infodumps or blatant telling (e.g. “I am an honest sort of guy”).

One of the biggest dangers of telling (rather than showing) characterization is that your character won’t ring true to readers.  Think about it – if someone you worked with ran around telling everyone what an honorable guy he is, but you never saw him do a single honorable thing, you’d think he was a liar, wouldn’t you?  Readers will feel the same way about characters unless they get to see that honor in action.

Your turn: Is your writing as tight as it should be? Are you effectively showing conflict and characterization?

Carolyn Kaufman, PsyD's book, THE WRITER'S GUIDE TO PSYCHOLOGY: How to Write Accurately About Psychological Disorders, Clinical Treatment, and Human Behavior helps writers avoid common misconceptions and inaccuracies and "get the psych right" in their stories. You can learn more about The Writer's Guide to Psychology, check out Dr. K's blog on Psychology Today, or follow her on Facebook or Google+! (Her Gatchman site, which she linked to shamelessly in the post above, is here.)